Captain Crazy Banana Pants

My Mother called me yesterday and this is how I answered the phone:

"Captain Crazy Banana Pants Reporting for Duty"

Sometimes waiting to have all your testing is hard. I honestly do much better once it starts, but the anticipation of it can be a little daunting. I am not looking forward to drinking mochaccino flavored barium. This is the time of year where I schedule the heck out of myself and spend as much time with friends and family as possible in order to distract myself.

My schedule has looked something like this: Thursday dinner with friends, Friday asleep at 7:55 pm, Saturday day in Rhode Island with a friend and her toddler, Sunday brunch with friends and their kids, bridesmaid dress shopping for a friend's wedding in the afternoon and dinner with friends in the evening. Sunday was especially ridiculous as the only time by myself was spent riding the train/bus between events.

The past two days after work I have run part of the way home (3.5 miles) with my running back pack that I bought in December and have been waiting for clear sidewalks to use. Yesterday, even the run wasn't enough to quell the underlying anxiety, so I painted part of my deck to look like the green monster and raked my yard. Today, after my run I went to the grocery store because I was out of vanilla and it is impossible to bake without vanilla. Then I made cupcakes. I'm tired, but I think I can be like John Mellencamp and drop my middle name (Banana) and just be Captain Crazy Pants for the next couple of days.By the time I'm ready for my EGD the sedation might cause me to insist on being called The Captain. But, at least I'll have a great story!

I also am buying myself a new comfy outfit to do all my testing in. This way I can spend tomorrow evening shopping for it. Yay distraction techniques.

One thing that really is helping is the gratitude journal. It does help me to focus on all the happy, positive, fun things going on in my life. And when I jam pack my schedule it gives me lots of things and people to be grateful for.

I can't wait to write in my journal: Today, I am grateful for clean scans and negative test results.

Now, who wants a cupcake?

What's one more Test?

Today kicked off my month of doctor's appointments and scans. When my schedule was sent to me from the hospital for April it went onto two sheets of paper. Yes, one 8x11 was not enough to contain my April.

First things first, lets start with a yearly physical. My yearly physical has always been late March/early April so it just happens to carry over into my crazy month of tests and scans. It's always nice to start with the easiest one.

My PCP was happy to see that my weight was back down the 8 lbs I had put on last year. Which meant we didn't have to have the discussion she had started last year about weight gain and tamoxifen. She was happy to hear that even though I couldn't sprint anymore (kodos to her for remembering I was a sprinter!) that I am still running. The hospital just transitioned to electronic medical records so we were taking a look at the way my past medical history was ordered.

-GERD (heartburn)
-Fancy medical term for rash
-Allergies
-Vitamin D Deficiency
-Malignant neoplasm to sentinel node
-and then free texted in was something about Breast Cancer

My PCP was not having that. She reorder it. R Breast Cancer s/p lumpectomy, chemo and XRT. Currently on tamoxifen. Great. We worked our way through the list and then we got to GERD. She asked me how I felt about coming off my heartburn medication. I told her I would like to stay on it. I told her I was still having some flare ups. And this little conversation made me realize that I may or may not be in a little bit of denial about how my gut is working.

PCP: How often are you having a flare up?
Me: Well in February it was probably 7 times, then same for March and then last week I only ate a bowl of cereal and cup of soup all day.
PCP: So....that's not ok.

We chatted some more and she decided that given that I am a young cancer survivor she would rather be overly cautious and send me for an EGD  to take a look at my esophagus, stomach and duodenum. Not totally psyched about adding yet another test to my month, but seeing as my stomach has hurt more often then not lately it's probably worth taking a look. That and I should probably stop eating all the leftover Easter cake........and no more chocolate bunnies........and maybe eat like a dietitian.....maybe

However, I loved that she had the same response that myself and my parents had. Let's just blame this on the chemo. I am standing by that. 1 year and 5 months after finishing chemo I claim that yes, my heartburn flares have more to do with chemo than chocolate bunnies. That's some good strong denial. 

So for the month of April I just have to have an EGD, a MUGA scan, a CT scan, a bone scan, a mamogram, and EKG and some vaccine shots. Then I'm taking a vacation. And maybe eating more chocolate bunnies. Seriously.

Must See TV

Some fascinating stuff going on in the world of cancer treatment. If you did not see 60 Minutes last night, you need to go and watch it. They are fighting glioblastomas with the polio virus and people's own immune system.  Hmm, imagine that using your immune system to fight cancer, how awesome.



Required reading for anyone who has ever known anyone who has had cancer is the Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer by Dr. Siddhartha Mukherjee. Well the incomparable Ken Burns has produced a documentary on this. If you ever want to feel grateful about the treatments we have now, you need to understand where we've come from and where we are going. It airs Monday March 30, Tuesday March 31, and Wednesday April 1 at 9 PM on PBS.

The Gratitude Project

Sometimes my medication gives me sleep disturbances. Currently, I am in on of those phases. It makes me an occasional cranky pants. That and winter refuses to let go of the region. That makes me put on my cranky snow pants. However, from doing a little bit of research and reading a book compiling the research of Robert Emmons, PhD I have found something that might help keep the cranky pants at bay.

gratitude

In his book "Thanks!" Dr. Emmons discusses his research with gratitude journaling. The first study they randomly assigned people to 3 groups. Once a week the "gratitude" group would write in a single sentence five things they were grateful for in the past week. The hassles condition would describe five daily hassles from the previous week. The neutral group just listed five events from the past week without conveying if they were positive or negative experiments. The experiment lasted 10 weeks. The results of this first study was that the gratitude group felt better about their lives, felt less physical illness, and based on the "happiness" scale used they rated themselves 25% (25%!) happier than the other groups. They also spent significantly more time exercising (and additional 1.5 hours). 

This study kicked off many more, but the end result was always the same. The people who physically wrote down what they were grateful for were happier. People got even more benefit from writing down what they were grateful for at least 3 times a week. Those who seem to get the most benefit are those who wrote down things they were grateful for everyday for 3 weeks. And these folks were still happier 6 months later. And one of the populations they tested this in was those with neuromuscular diseases.

Overall the benefits from writing down what you are grateful for every day include:

• 6 months of being a 25% happier human being
• Improved sleep quality
• Feeling that your relationships with those in your social circle are more solid; strengthens relationships
• Being more likely to help other people and being viewed as more helpful by others 
• Developing a positive recall bias-where when asked about the past you bring up happy/positive memories 
• Actually exercising more instead of just wanting too

 The risks include:

• Getting ink on your hands
• Paper cuts 

I have documented many times on this blog how grateful I have been for everything and everyone throughout my battle with cancer and now in my full life post cancer. I decided that the month leading up to my 2 year scans was the perfect time to re-cement my happiness. And it might even help me sleep better.  I got myself a composition notebook and a pink pen. Who's with me?

Source: Emmons, Robert A. "Gratitude and the Psyche." Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 2007. 19-55. Print.

We are all in this together

It is human nature to compare your circumstances to others. Cancer survivors/fighters are the same way. I always find it fascinating to watch the people in the oncology waiting room who feel the need to find out why everyone else is there; almost as if they want to establish where they rank in the waiting room hierarchy. I remember a distinct conversation between a man and a woman who were seated near each other. The man was by himself and the woman had her daughter with her. "What are you in for?" "Lung Cancer" "What stage?" "Three" "Oh, I have stage four...." "Well this is my second cancer, I already had breast cancer". A lot of sharing for people who met 3 seconds ago. I remember unabashedly staring at these two having the conversation, attempting to one up each other on cancer.

It works the other way, too. Some people feel like there experiences are different and therefor less than what your experiences and have a hard time sharing. One of my really good friends just told me that she had been diagnosed with stage 0 cancer back in November and that she "only" needed surgery to rid her of the disease. She said she didn't want to tell me because first, she didn't want anyone to know and second, because she didn't feel like what she went through was on the same level as what I went through. She felt like she didn't have cancer when she compared it to everything I went through. We were having this conversation while out with friends and the other people at the table were appalled at this. Oh, you non-cancer havers, let's hope you never understand how this can sometimes make sense. I could only smile and tell her that I understood. I told her that if she did ever want to talk about it in detail that I was here. I told her that as much as she might not think it, there is so much shared experience from all stages of cancer that she need not feel bad that she didn't have to go through as much treatment as I did to get herself healthy.  I let her know that I was happy she was sharing with me now and that I was very grateful that they found her cancer so early and that she was doing great.

Because the bottom line is whatever type of cancer you have, whatever treatment you need, the ultimate goal is what we all want: health. We are all in this together. All 14.5 million (in the USA) cancer survivors, we all have had some shared experience and we have all kicked cancer's ass. So let us try not to compare our experiences and decided who had it worse, let us continue to support each other, share our stories and all work towards finding a cure and cause for our diseases. Can I get an Amen? (Sorry preaching done, but sometimes we all need a pep talk).

This is why I send my blood all across the country

Did you see this story from CBS news? They are finding 15 more genetic "hot spots" for breast cancer. This way they can identify people who are high risk. Very intriguing the things being developed in the frontier of genetics. 

Ginger is still getting its Revenge!

After my debacle with tooth decay from ginger chews I switched to an occasional piece of candied ginger. In attempt to curb my cookie addiction, I switched to keeping dried figs in my desk. They took the soy out of Grape Nuts and I always eat them hot with raisins. I thought these were all great changes to improve my health, but they, unfortunately are not helping my teeth. Today I had xrays and 45 minutes of necessary torture that is a dental cleaning.

Here is how the series of xrays went. Me sitting there with my mouth gaping open. The Dental Hygienist, who always comments about how awesome my sneakers are, moving around telling me to bite gently taking the series of photos.

Than came the pause. As a cancer survivor you know what a pause by any health care professional means.

DH: "Hmm. That doesn't look right."
Me: "rrr? (I still had a bite wing in my mouth"
DH: "Oh, sorry I hate when people do that. Let me take a couple more photos and then show you what I'm looking at"
Me: "Poop"

The DH shows me a shadowy thing on my front tooth and then asks if I had trauma. I'm pretty sure that I would remember hitting my front teeth. She also shows all of my starter cavities. Nothing that needs fixing immediately, but lots of things to keep an eye one. The Dentist comes in as I am having visions of me and a missing front tooth to do a cold test. They take something that makes your teeth super cold and you have to tell them when you feel it. So yes, it's super pleasant. I could feel it, so she decided that they would watch my teeth and that "It was just something that showed up on the xray." I will buy that for now.

However, because my teeth are so close and I've had cavities after chemo she let me know that dried fruit is on my do not eat list unless I can floss immediately. Sigh. I guess I'll switch to ginger tea? Hmmm, can I blame this on tamoxifen? No. No I cannot. But, I don't have to go back for another 6 months.