I know its so vain, but.....

I'm still not sleeping great. Some nights are better than others, averaging 5.5 to 6.5 hours a night, usually not continuous, but a cumulative average. Last night was pretty good. I slept for about 5.5 hours and then after being awake for a half hour slept for another 2.5. I'm feeling pretty good today. However, with the sleep disturbances comes another pitfall;

Crazy Pants with suspenders that are very hard to take off.

Sometimes when your not sleeping well, you think bizarre things and need others to double check you. And sometimes you have a hard time moving on from things. And sometimes issues that you thought you had moved on from after 2.5 years come back to roar their ugly head.

What has this issue been for me? My hair.

Now, I kept my hair in the pixie for the past two years and then decided that I needed to feel like I had hair again and have grown parts of it out to my ears. The front however, doesn't reach behind my ears. and  I have a nervous habit of putting my hair behind my ears and have missed being able to do it with my super short hair. It's nearly there.

 Towards the end of last week I was discussing my hair with a fellow breast cancer survivor, and sister of the traveling bear. She was commenting on how she liked my hair a little longer and was then lamenting about the front of hers still 1.5 years later hasn't grown in. I assured her that she might be the only person who can notice it. We were discussing how during this little heat wave we are having she slicked her hair back into a ponytail of about 2 cm. She said her kids hated it, but she was happy to be able to do it. She suffers from the same level of heat intolerance that I do. We also touched base about the studies we are enrolled in. Her and I discussed the results of the SOFT trial and I gave her a copy of the study. She and her oncologist have decided to do ovarian suppression. She hasn't yet been given the drugs, but has told me she'll keep me posted on how it goes. We both circled back to reassure each other that our hair looked good after the science talk.

This weekend I was honored as one of my running buddies had asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She had asked if, even though I don't have much of it, I wanted to get my hair done. I responded, absolutely, as getting ready for a wedding with the bride is some of the most fun. I figured having someone else do my hair with 90 degree weather would be a win-win, not a gateway to a meltdown.

The hairdresser was lovely. She gave volume to my flat hair. Then she styled it in a way that I couldn't tuck my hair behind my ears. And it looked ok {in the interest of full disclosure it has taken me 48 hours to be able to say that}.

I sent a text to my mom with a photo of me all dressed up. And the note: My hair is horrible. She assured me I looked nice.

I met my boyfriend before the wedding to say hello. I told him my hair was awful. He told me it looked fine. I may have called him a liar.

I didn't touch my hair before the wedding. I did my bridesmaid duty, kept the bride fed, danced my face off. But, when I got in the car to go home I started the to complain about my hair. I commented about how I was worried I had ruined all the pictures with my hair (conceited much?). I woke up the next day and anyone who asked for pictures of the wedding, I told them the truth. I only took one photo because I didn't like my hair.

2.5 years after spending a winter bald I still get vain about the way my hair looks. I am grateful to have all the follicles I do but, as far as I thought I had come, my self confidence about the way I look is a little more fragile than it was before cancer.I get frustrated with myself that its still an issue for me. And as my fellow survivor friend still sees a bald spot that isn't really there, I know I'm not alone. But, we'll keep working on it. And I think a night of unbroken sleep might help too.