365 days ago

August 8th, 2012 at 3:30 pm was the official phone call from the Nurse Practitioner to tell me that I had cancer. The words were foreign and scary. Breast Cancer. A year later and I am cancer free and no longer scared by the word cancer. What a long strange trip it's been.

There are many lessons learns, but first and foremost Andi Dufrane was right:

I learned is that people in general are good. There are a few Sh*theads out there, but the majority of people are kind and generous. I learned that when the chips are down my family and friends rally and give support, even if your not sure what you need. Having cancer has brought me closer to all of them and it's nice to see people who are generally excited to see.

One year later instead of a lump I have a dimple in my right boob. I have a four inch scar with about a cm thick layer of scar tissue. I have a 0.5 inch scar under my right arm pit and a thick tendon that moves around sometimes because there are two lymph nodes missing. When I do any hanging exercises there is still some soreness, but nothing more than a little "hello" from the removed pectoral fascia.  From radiation I have 3 blue freckles, only half my axilla grows hair and some of the sweat glands have still not reactivated (I'll take it). From Chemo I know I have a pretty sweet head shape and now have thick, fluffy hair.  Yes, fluffy.

After being a Cancer Kick@ss Machine for 7 months I have fully transitioned into Recurrance Prevention mode. Scrutinizing everything that goes in my body, on my person or used to clean my environment. I have changed toothpastes, hand soaps and now actively by organic foods for the dirty dozen. I occasionally put on my crazy pants and get into intense research mode and spend late nights on my computer looking at endocrine disrupters. Things I never new about before August 8th, 2012. I continue to get injections monthly in my right thigh that may or may not leave permanent discoloration and may or may not be a cancer vaccine. I will never know the truth on that, but thankfully in the past year I have learned to accept some things. I take tamoxifen daily, my handy little SERM which in reality is daily low dose chemotherapy. I am thankful that the major side effect that I have is calf cramps and not hot flashes or more major joint stiffness.

I am not afraid of recurrance. I am a little more of a hypochondriach, but from my cancer friends I know that that's normal. "What's that ache? What's that lump? Why am I tired? What is that bruise from?" Nothing like a constant internal dialogue question everything that used to be shrugged off as it's probably nothing. I have seen and lived through the other side and know that it's not always nothing. The more time I put between me and cancer the quieter the inner dialogue gets. Eventually, I know that I'll forget (or hope I'll forget) the anniversaries; August 8th, September 11th, December 10th, February 27th. [Diagnosis, Surgery, Last Chemo Infusion, Last XRT-treatment complete]

One thing I don't think will ever go away is taking it personally every single time I hear that someone else has breast cancer. It's a sisterhood and everyone I've met will share their story and we root for those  battling. I have a collection of breast cancer gear and I wear it proudly.

Last year, my mom and Aunts were going to spend time up at Lake Sunapee. A well deserved vacation for all. Instead I filled it with biopsies and anxiety. My mother swore she would never go on another vacation with me. This year, with clean CT in hand, we are headed up to the Lake. No cancellations this year!

August 8th 2013 is a great cancer free day. Not bad for a Thursday.