The 5 Year Squish

 I have spent a fair amount of time celebrating reaching the 5 year mark; boob cakes (5 layer, chocolate raspberry moose cake), parties, vacations....

But, party time was over and it was time to prove that there was nothing but boob in my boobs. It was  time for my annual mammogram.

I showed up for my appointment on Thursday and per usual was a little bit anxious. I cut the greeter off mid speech to let her know I didn't have deodorant on, I didn't need the mammowipes and this was not my first mammogram. She smiled kindly at me and left me to put on the dreaded pink johnny.

I take a seat in the waiting room and fight the urge to wave at the other woman who are waiting and can't help themselves from staring. I think about what may be going on in their heads; "Hmm. She looks young for 40 (or as my age starts to creep closer to 40, I like to think this)" or "She must have a family history"or "I'm anxious about my own test I don't even know that I'm staring". Either way, inventing other peoples internal dialogue helps me pass the time.

Then they call my name. The mammogram tech introduces herself to me and lets me know that she is pretty new and will have someone check the films before I go back to the waiting room. I let her know that she needn't be afraid to hurt me and that she should do whatever she need to get the pictures. I also tell her that all of my markers are very close to my chest wall so she can do what she needs to get them. She looks at me a little surprised, but agrees.

Then the usual; relax this shoulder, squish your face against this plastic thing, lets put this boob in a vice and of course don't breath (like I could if I wanted to). My scar causes some issues on the right side, so we do those pictures again. Then this lovely new tech goes to get someone to look at them, and it walks my mother and I's favorite mammogram tech. What, that is a totally normal thing. Most mothers and daughters share favorite mammogram techs. It's totally regular.

The new tech then starts to introduce me to our fav tech and she stops her and says "No worries, I know her. Nice to see you again." She helps her show the positioning on someone like me (small boobs, markers close to chest wall, dense breasts) and they take a couple more photos. I also note that the pressure on the machine is cranked up to 18 psi. 18 lbs per square inch.  Now that's a vice.

They are both happy with the pictures and I go back into the waiting room. And everyone turns to see who come through the door. You have to love the amount of anxiety in the waiting room. I park myself in a chair and wait.

Then the door opens and the fav tach walks in, just looks right at me and says "they want more".  My heart drops to my stomach. When we get into the exam room she tells me they look fine, they just want to see the marker closest to the chest well. My heart moves back up to my chest.  On which side? Left. Ok, Here comes another 18 psi and this time an additional plastic tray. She gets the picture in one shot.

10 minutes later someone else comes in to let me know I'm free to go. She also asks me to remind my doctor to put the order in for next year. I just say "ok", like sure lady, like between my oncologist, surgeon and pcp someone will forget to schedule me a mammogram. But, I'm bruised and free to go back to work.

I am sore, but I wasn't too sore to put a sports bra on and run 3 miles that night (and completed my virtual 5K for BraveLikeGabe.

I still had a lot of adrenaline to run off. And for the first time in a couple of weeks I slept without having super bizarre dreams; so I guess I was more worried than I thought.

5 Years of NED

5 years ago, I remember walking into the radiation suite for one last time. I remember being so excited that my hair was growing back, that I only had to wear the pink johnny one last time and that I had finished. I had made it though surgery, 4 rounds of chemo and 30 radiation treatments.

My mom reminded me how when I first diagnosed, she looked at me and said I wish it was five years from now and this was all behind us. And.....................now it is.  It's amazing.

I started the day wearing my Team NED t-shirt and matching one of my favorite people in her Team NED tshirt

This is the extent that the toddler was willing to have her picture taken in the morning. She was still mad that her grandparents had brought me a present in the morning and not her (she did, however, get a cake pop). 

I had a grand old time celebrating the day with my family. I was staying at my brother and sister in laws and spending as much time with the tiny person as possible. We had a dance party in the kitchen and had an amazing dinner. 

I mean who wouldn't love hanging out with this crew? A 3 year old who has tiaras for everyone and every mood? What's not to like? How could you not have a blast? 

So, the boob cake has to wait a couple of weeks this year because 5 years was too important not to be surrounded by my family. 

One of my breast cancer peeps hit her 5 year mark this year too. As we both know, that with ER/PR+ breast cancer has a chance of recurrence throughout the lifetime, but we have both said we are loving the 5 year feeling! 

Also, in celebration, we got the Team NED fundraising page up and running to raise some money and get more people all NEDded up and able to celebrate their 5 years cancer free mark. 

So ya, I'm lovin' that 5 year feeling. 

The Five Year's of NED Celebration has begun

Yes, I am a few days early. But, as the 5 year anniversary approaches, I have had a weird mix of emotions; the majority of gratitude, still a touch of anger (when I take my poop emoji shaped medicine), and lots of happiness. 

Anniversaries also lead to a lot of reflection. It's amazing how something could seem like a lifetime ago as well as that it happened yesterday. I get a little lost in thought; while riding the bus to work, I remember the mornings riding in bald, when the other riders left me a seat to myself; willing myself to get to work on days when I didn't feel well. 

I also remember the feeling 3 weeks after the last chemo treatment when I woke up and felt normal and I hadn't been aware of how weird I had felt. 

In order to leave my office at work I have to go down the hall that I took every morning to go to radiation. I remember laying on that table day after day, wondering if anything was happening and then towards the end marveling at how hot pink my skin had become. I remember appreciating that the the radiation techs also loved 80's music. 

One of the weird, new normal things, that happens with my right arm and pectoral muscle is that I don't have all the feeling in my right triceps. It never came all the way back. I didn't even think about it until I was teaching 20 nutrition students how to do physical exams and had to direct the students away from my right arm, because I couldn't sense if they were testing it correctly. The other side effect of surgery and having the pectoral fascia removed (because my tumor was so close to my chest wall) is that occasionally my pectoral muscle gets stuck and it takes some weird shoulder movements to get it unstuck. 

In the 5 years I have learned that 1) I am still a hypochondriac, but 2) there are times that I am really correct and their are some really scary sh*t that happens. I have also learned that having breast cancer on your past medical history makes everyone freak out for every ache, pain and irregularity. I have gotten used to scans, exams, blood work and even colonoscopies. Through it all, I am still grateful I am here and that I beat cancer. 

I beat cancer. It's been 5 years and it's still some of the sweetest words you will ever hear. Now, is the time to celebrate. Now, is the time to spend time with friends and family. Now is the time to buy the good seats to see Bon Jovi. Now, is the time to be grateful for having more time. Now, is the time. 

Editors note: Boob cake to come in a couple of weeks

Hair Watch 2018

Unlike the previous hair watches, where I was singing Wilson Phillips  and updating the world that I was bald I have a full head of hair. However, as these episodes were more than 5 years ago, they still seem like they were yesterday.

I really did not mind being bald. I did not enjoy the growing back in phases process where I had mostly hair on my neck and some on the sides.

However, I am fully aware that not everyone fully embraces being a baldy. That is why as part of my upcoming celebration of 5 years of NED includes growing my hair out for donation. My good friend Mary has done this a couple of times and gave me the details on the Pantene Beautiful Lengths program.  You need at least an 8 inch ponytail.

Guess what? I have a 5 inch ponytail right now (which is totally crazy for me and the longest my hair has been in about 30 years).

This is part of my giving back in the 5th year of NED.  Looking forward to finding more ways I can give back.

Here's to 2018

After a great holiday season spent with good friends and family, I am looking forward to the things to come in 2018.

I've adjusted to my new, new normal; cancer survivor on a blood thinner. I try exceptionally hard not to bang my head on ice (because brain bleed is now high on the list of hypochondriac concerns added in 2017) and do the usual new years things; Try to eat more vegetables, get back in shape (two jobs this fall killed my workout schedule), spend less time connected to my cell phone.

However, there are new items that I'm looking forward to in 2018, mainly planning how to celebrate reaching 5 years of being a cancer survivor. What kind of boob cake should I make? How many vacation days do I want to use? How great is it that these are the biggest issues in my life? And working on more ways to do good for those whose issues are bigger than boob cake flavors.

Happy New Year

5 years ago today

5 years ago today I had my last chemo infusion.

I spent most of today writing a final exam for the class I'm teaching this semester. 5 years ago, I wouldn't have even thought that my side job would be teaching at a University. I'm not sure that I would have even applied.

When I told my bf of the survivorversary he broke out the good stuff

Sparkling grape juice and dark chocolate. 5 years ago today I couldn't eat chocolate, it destroyed my insides and tasted gross. 

Here's another victory; my mother forgot. December 10th is no longer an ominous day for her. I'm happy, healthy with a head full of shoulder length hair. She cannot believe she didn't remember the date, as it seemed impossible to be able to forget when I had finished. 

And there was only one small reminder of the long term effects of cancer treatment; I washed down my blood thinner with the sparking grape juice. But, I smiled while doing it. 

5 years has come fast,  especially from the days where I just kept singing "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming". 

I'm so happy to be in this place. 

Making Strides, Celebrating all the Birthdays, XRT follow ups, people on blood thinners should not be allowed to used mandolines, and recent news that will hike up the FOR meter

Been having some fun living my life without biopsies, that I have some catching up to do.

Making Strides Boston 2017 

Mom and I went again this year. I got my survivor sash and a cape. Yup, a superhero cape. It was a brisk morning, but I do feel like I'm advocating for the survivors under 40 while I'm out there walking around. My mom's favorite part is how many stares and mouths agape that I get walking around with my survivor sash. This year, on the way home an man in his 50/60's kept hitting his wife until she turned to point me out. I just smiled and waved. The barista at Starbucks asked me if I dressed like that ever day. I'm not going to lie, I considered making the cape part of my daily look. 

Celebrating Birthday's

I love that the American Cancer Society once had a slogan "Here's to more Birthday's". I had never really been one to celebrate my birthday, but now I do make sure I do something special, eat some treats and see some of my favorite people. 

Celebrating my birthday, however is nothing compared to how much I love celebrating my niece's birthday. She turned 3 this year and Mom and I flew down to Arizona for a few days. It was the first flight I'd taken since being diagnosed with DVTs and I wore compression stalkings on both flights. On the lead up to the flights my left calf was being all twingy with pain, but I think that it might have been all in my head. I was nervous to fly, but knowing that I was going to go get quality "Auntie Time" eased the nerves. 

Radiation Oncology 

Well, I never used to believe other survivors that there would be time that I wouldn't think about having had cancer every day, but I did. Now, I've transitioned into forgetting that I have oncology appointments! The pendulum may have swung too far. So, at my rescheduled appointment with my radiation oncologist all was well. We talked about how good my boobs looked, how happy I looked and when my next vacation was. Who doesn't want to start a Monday morning like that? 

People on Blood Thinners Should Not be Able to Use Mandolines 

I love kitchen gadgets. Love them. My boyfriend has a mondoline for very fine, constant and easy slicing. Well I was making an apple pie for Thanksgiving (it is less than two weeks away people, yes I am a planner) and despite his warnings that it wasn't really necessary and that he was worried about me using it, I sliced my finger on the 3rd section of apple (so like 45 seconds into using it). I watch my thumb slide right into the blade and then...... oh my.  I haven't had many instances of bleeding like that. 

Just kidding, it wasn't that bad. But it did involve a trip to CVS for some blood clotting gauze, butterfly bandages and fingertip bandages. Oops. Don't worry the apple pie was unharmed.

Jacking up the FOR 
Things I could have gone without. Studies are showing the ER+ breast cancer can recur 15-20 years after treatment.  Woman who had positive lymph nodes had the higher rate of recurrence. Well, that will give you some pause and make you continue to appreciate each and every cancer free day you got going on.

Makes me wonder, is 10 years enough on Tamoxifen? Should I just take that and my poop emoji shaped blood thinner 4-eva? Well, better make sure I don't miss my medical oncology appointment (in March!) and ask those questions.